Redley Exantus 4/13/25 Redley Exantus 4/13/25

WHY I STOPPED DRINKING: PART 2 (THE EMOTIONAL)

Let’s explore the emotional challenges and rewards of living sober. Discover how sobriety reshaped my emotions, relationships, and self-awareness, creating space for clarity and growth.

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3 MIN READ

A collection of Polaroid photos spread across a table covered with gold confetti, disco balls, and glasses of champagne, evoking a sense of celebration and nostalgia. — *Image: Inga Seliverstova*

I started drinking early on in life, like so many people do. Over the years, I only stopped once for a year, just to prove I could. Then I went right back to it. What struck me when I stopped drinking for good was realizing that I had never truly lived as an adult with a sober mind. Who was I, really, without alcohol?

I stopped drinking because I realized the enjoyment had worn off, and the emotional rollercoaster in the days after started to take its toll. Feelings were harder to manage at work, and the highs and lows felt steeper than ever. I knew that if I kept drinking, I wouldn’t be able to manage my emotions in the way I wanted or needed to.

FACING THE EMOTIONAL CRUTCHES

At first, I realized how deeply tied drinking was to my emotions. A glass of wine after a hard day. A celebratory toast with friends. A drink to ease social anxiety as a natural introvert.

When I stopped, it became clear that I had been sidestepping the work of processing my emotions fully.

Alcohol had been a crutch, one that kept me from truly sitting with discomfort or even joy. I had to build an entirely new relationship with myself. The idea felt daunting, but I was ready.

And it wasn’t easy. I noticed that when I felt down or triggered, my first thought was often to call a friend and meet for a drink. It was fascinating how automatic that impulse was. Without alcohol, my emotions felt sharper, harder to soothe.

A Polaroid photo of a woman looking down contemplating in a satin dress holding a disco ball while lounging on a couch in a softly lit room. — *Image: Inga Seliverstova*

But I leaned into the discomfort allowing myself to feel it. Learning to soothe an inner child that was throwing tantrums. My first step was identifying triggers, whether happy or sad then finding new ways to cope. This included embracing being perceived as "boring" at social gatherings and even saying “no thanks” to invitations when I needed alone time. I had to accept that this was part of who I was becoming.

The rewards, though, were undeniable. I had more time, more money, and a newfound sense of control over my impulses.

REDISCOVERING MYSELF

Sobriety helped me uncover parts of myself that had been muted. I rediscovered my love for staying home and reading, something I adored as a child but had neglected over the years. I reflected deeply on my boundaries with friends and family, realizing how often I let myself be depleted.

The changes were noticeable to those around me. My relationships shifted, sometimes uncomfortably, as people adjusted to the new me. But I was committed to honoring my needs.

The journey wasn’t without stumbles. I missed exploring new bars and envied others choosing French over Italian wine at dinner. I felt awkward and isolated at times.

Closeup of a cup of coffee served in a porcelain cup and saucer placed on a marble table in a cafe scene.

But I found new rituals. Coffee became my wine. I sought out cafes like I once did bars, journaling in quiet corners and treasuring the experience. To my surprise, friends started joining me for coffee, appreciating the escape from alcohol-centric outings.

Sobriety also gave me the time and clarity to focus on other areas of my life. I deepened my meditation practice, became more intentional with my nutrition, and pushed my limits in Pilates, discovering what my newly sober body could achieve.

THE GIFT OF SOBRIETY

Years into this journey, I can say sobriety is the best gift I’ve ever given myself. It’s unlocked a resilience I didn’t know I had through better emotional regulation. My focus is sharper, and my relationships have flourished because I have.

Sobriety allowed me to reclaim my emotional world, one I felt slipping away. I face challenges with more clarity and self-awareness. I’ve been able to forgive old wounds, including my role in past relationships, and finally put them to rest. In doing so, I’ve created space for new people and experiences to enter my life.

WHAT SOBRIETY TAUGHT ME ABOUT LOVE

Developing emotional fortitude is something we should all strive for, whether through sobriety or other means. The key is to give your emotions space to breathe, whether they’re grief, anger, fear, or joy.

The most profound emotion I had to navigate, though, was love…the love of self.

Author sitting staring at the camara in a room dimmly lit by the sun. She wears a short sleeve button down shirt with jeans. — 4
Emotional Gains You Can Find in Sobriety

1. Feel more grounded and authentic without emotions dulled by alcohol.
2. Clear your mind for sharper decisions and renewed focus.
3. Build deeper and more honest connections in your relationships.
4. Discover the strength to process and embrace your emotions fully.

What might you uncover about yourself if you gave your emotions the space to breath?

Join the conversation, tell us about your experience in the comments!

Missed the first part check it out here: WHY I STOPPED DRINKING PART 1

Redley Exantus 4/13/25 Redley Exantus 4/13/25

WHAT HARVARD TAUGHT ME ABOUT LEADERSHIP AND MYSELF

Leadership is more than about being the boss. It’s a mindset anyone can embrace. I’ll share what I learned during my time at Harvard Business School’s Advancing Women of Color in Leadership.

4 MIN READ

Woman standing in Boston Park with the cityscape and blooming trees in the background, wearing sunglasses and a cap. — boston mass

I never thought I’d see myself at Harvard. For someone who didn’t shine academically as a kid, walking through the iconic gates felt surreal. The buzz of other students, the click of my Celine loafers hitting the cobblestones, and the sheer history of the place reminded me just how far I’d come. What grounded me in that moment was something more personal: a sense of belonging, growth, and the quiet confidence that I was ready to lead in my own way, proving to myself that I was always capable.

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Leadership isn’t about being the boss. It’s a mindset anyone can embrace. During my time at Harvard Business School’s Advancing Women of Color in Leadership Executive Program, I learned that leadership is about showing up, owning your space, and lifting others. In this post, I’ll share what I learned and how you can embrace leadership in your own way.

Woman posing by the Harvard Business School sign with the iconic Baker Library building in the background.

Leadership Isn’t About Titles

Last year, I took some time for myself—away from friends, social media, and even writing on this very blog. I wanted to develop and understand how to become the leader I knew I could be. For a long time, I thought leadership meant managing a team, being in charge, or having a big title. But during the Harvard course, I learned otherwise. Leadership can be found in small, meaningful acts that bring value to those around us, actions that anyone can step into.

A springtime view of Harvard’s courtyard through a window, showcasing blooming trees and red brick buildings.

Woman smiling selfie in a green sweatshirt in a dorm roomwith a branded tote bag visible in the background.

As I sat in my dorm room preparing for a session, with papers spread out on the desk, I devoured a pre-read about what’s called a “Tempered Radical”. A tempered radical is someone who makes change happen quietly, with persistence and purpose. This idea stood out to me because it made leadership feel approachable. It showed me that leadership doesn’t have to be loud or at the head of the line. It can be as simple as quietly holding things together no matter where you stand. As someone who prefers being discrete, this resonated with me. For the first time, I saw that my quieter style of leadership was just as effective as any other.

The Power of Shared Experiences

While the course content was compelling, the real magic was in the community. Eighty-nine brilliant women of color, each with stories of resilience, gathered together in a way that felt rare and profound. When our professor spoke about the unique challenges we face as women of color in leadership, the collective sighs in the room were a shared release. There was an unspoken understanding that we had all felt this struggle deeply.

Group shot of 89 women of color standing on the steps of Harvard Business School, celebrating diversity and unity.

What made the program even more special were the morning check-ins over coffee with my dorm mates before classes. These sessions felt safe, honest, and real. A space where we could speak openly about our wins and setbacks.

I shared details about my unconventional career journey of moving from entrepreneurship in the creative world of fashion to a more corporate setting. In turn, I listened to their stories with intent. Their experiences were layered with wisdom, emotion, and resilience.

Looking back, I realize we were already acting as leaders, even if I didn’t see it then.

Posing with classmates by the Harvard Business School sign, all smiling and enjoying the moment.

Dreams Don’t Always Look the Way You Imagine

In high school, art was the only class I excelled in. I tried my best in everything else and was average at best. Toward the end of senior year, I enviously watched classmates apply to what we called the “big schools.” I felt like that path wasn’t for me, and for a long time, I believed it.

Life had a way of leading me to a dream I hadn’t even dared to imagine. Applying for and being accepted into this leadership program felt like stepping through a door I didn’t even know existed. Standing in the sunlight on the Harvard Business School campus, I realized that life sometimes doesn’t go as planned, but it can still lead to places we never imagined.

As I mentioned in my post, “Why I Hate and Love Fashion,” sometimes we must be open to the unexpected. In that post, I reflected on the importance of pivoting and embracing change, choosing to let go of what no longer serves us and trusting in what’s ahead. This leadership program was a reminder of that lesson: letting go, trusting opportunities, and being willing to evolve are all forms of leadership. For me, it meant setting a new direction, being courageous, and leading change within myself. By daring to turn old dreams into reality, I learned that leadership starts with believing in yourself and your ability to grow.

IS THERE A LEADER IN YOU?

Today, I can say I earned a Harvard certificate, but more importantly, I transformed how I see myself. It’s about showing up authentically and acting with intention, no matter your role or title. Whether you’re leading a team, a project, your family, or even just yourself, the power to lead is within you.